


If Only, If Only

by 4corsets2horses



Series: The If Only, If Only verse [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abuse, Alex is also pure, Angst, Eliza is a pure soul ready to fight, John Laurens is a dick, John abuses Alex, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Near Death, Slow Build, There will be guns, but eventually it is happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-08-19 12:32:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8208176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4corsets2horses/pseuds/4corsets2horses
Summary: Alexander Hamilton's relationship with John Laurens has long since turned sour, but could he finally be able to get out of it?If only he had help, if only his friends could fight harder, if only he could have a better relationship.If only...





	1. Hope is Quiet

**Author's Note:**

> First fic in Hamilton, so some may be out of character.  
> I have to thank my group chat for putting up with this before I post it.  
> Everything I write goes through them, and they fuel the fire too sO.
> 
> Please enjoy!

Alexander had been curled into a fetal position on his kitchen floor for two hours, staring at a small pool of his own blood. His bloody nose was long over, and the feeling of dry blood was getting uncomfortable. But he didn't want to move, replaying what had gotten him into the situation in the first place.

_He had just woken up, shuffling into the kitchen to get coffee. However when he got there he was greeted by John who sat at the kitchen table in his scrubs, an object in his hand. Alex hoped that John wasn't in a sour mood today. The bruises were getting hard to hide at work. He mumbled a greeting as he walked by John, trying to figure out what he was looking at as he poured coffee into his cup.  
_

_"Whatcha got there?," Alex asked softly, looking over John's shoulder. When he saw the lit up screen, and the contact name 'Eliza <3' he took in a sharp breath. He had just thought he'd got his phone stuck in the couch again, not that John had taken it.  
_

_"Mmm, just you know 'don't you think Thomas is cute?'," his voice was calm as he scrolled up in the conversation.  
_

_"Eliza was just asking a question babe, there's nothing wrong with that," his voice wavered, and he set his cup down.  
_

_"Sure, there would have been nothing wrong if you had said no. Instead you said 'yea, his hair is so nice'. And then she said 'you'd be cute together' which you followed up with 'haha yea, but betsey you know I can't'. That would have been great if you just left it there," John had set the phone down, his fist clenched beside it.  
_

_"John, you know I wasn't being serious, we were just passing time...," he whispered, backing up.  
_

_"Really, because after she told you she could help make it happen, you said 'if only we could' Alex, and that really doesn't sound like someone who's not being serious," he had stood up by the end of his sentence, turning around to look at Alex. John really wasn't that much taller than him, but in this moment Alex felt incredibly small. He glanced around, looking for an escape route and finding none.  
_

_"Look, I was just catering to Eliza because she likes when people agree with her. It's really nothing, I love you John. You're the only one for me I don't want anybody else, I don't ne-," his rambling was interrupted by a fist, his own hand flying to his face when he felt a trickle of blood.  
_

_"Listen, slut," John hissed, grabbing the front of his shirt, "I don't want you texting Eliza anymore. She's putting too many ideas in your head." John shoved him down and Alex immediately curled in on himself, taking the kicks to his ribs with as little whimpering as possible, trying to not anger John further. He heard him kneel down, and flinched when he settled a gentle hand in his hair.  
_

_"Sweetheart, I love you, you know I do. But I can't have you being unloyal, that's why we do this. If I have to wrap your ribs when I come home, let me know. Don't work late today, Lafayette and Hercules are taking us to dinner," he kissed Alex gently on the forehead and stood. John had to get to work after all. And when Alex heard the door slam he sobbed, curling in on himself. He knew he was in the wrong and deserved this, but why couldn't he just have a loving relationship like Hercules and Lafayette, one where he didn't have to be thankful that he didn't end up with broken bones?_

Alexander was distantly aware his phone was ringing, but he still hadn't made a move to get up. He knew he needed to clean up and get ready for work, but he just couldn't find the effort to. He phone began ringing again and he finally stopped looking at his blood. All he had to do was stand, wash his face, put on clothes, and wipe up his blood before going to work. He could do that.  


It took longer than he'd like to admit to get himself to stand up, gently holding his arm around his ribs. _Guess I'm lucky my boyfriend is a nurse _, he thought bitterly. He was pretty sure John had fractured at least one rib, but he'd have to deal with it for the day. He'd done it before.  
__

He shuffled over to the kitchen table and picked up his phone, once again ringing, and answered it this time.  


"Alex! Hey! Oh my gosh, I've been calling for like ten minutes! Are you okay? I just need to know if you want a ride to work," the caller took a deep breath and Alex rolled his eyes.  


"I'm fine Eliza. Just had a rough morning is all. A ride would be nice, John already left for work," Alex hoped he didn't sound too defeated, but Eliza was still going to see when she picked him up. Why couldn't John have waited until he had bought more foundation?  


"Mmmm, well I'll be there in ten, and I have coffee!"  


"Eliza we work in a cof-," Alex chuckled in surprise when Eliza aggressively shushed him.  


"You know what now you don't get coffee. Look presentable you little grease ball," she hung up and Alex chuckled again. Betsey was one of his best friends, and one of the only three who knew. The other two were Hercules and Lafayette, and while they wanted so bad to get him out of a relationship that had turned sour, no one wanted a repeat of the last time John had gotten angry with their attempts to "steal Alex away". He could still feel the cold of the metal barrel that had dug into the side of his head some nights. Still heard the panicked shouting of both Lafayette and Eliza in his dreams.  


His whole relationship had turned into a nightmare, but he felt deep down that he probably deserved it. He was still going to find a way around the 'don't text Eliza' rule, whether it would subject him to another beating or not.

By the time Eliza called to tell him she was there, he had cleaned up himself and the kitchen, and put on the red and blue uniform that belonged to "Sacred Grounds of Libertea". His face was bruised pretty bad, but he and Eliza both knew by now that people quickly fell for the "Alex opens doors on his face" lie. As he locked the apartment door, he smiled to himself. John never said he had to avoid Thomas, and at this point his (wrongly opinionated) co-worker was a breath of fresh air.  


"Maybe one day," it was a lost hope whispered into the hallway, but he could always hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Tumblr at [the-gay-rosario](http://the-gay-rosario.tumblr.com)!
> 
> Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!


	2. Maybe Hope Can Settle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly chapter updates are going to be sporadic  
> I write them on my phone and force my group chat to read them several times during their process  
> But maybe you can like it enough to deal with that right?
> 
> Enjoy :)

"Oh, honey," Alex had been expecting it, but the pity that hung in Eliza's voice still made him bitter.

"It's fine," he sighed, "Just a rough morning. Like I said," he ended his sentence with the sharp click of his seat belt. Eliza looked ready to say something, but stopped herself and started the car instead.

"Ran into a door again?" she finally muttered as she pulled into traffic, eyebrows knitted together in slight rage.

"Who would I be if I didn't run into doors?" he replied, taking his coffee from the cup holder. He watched Eliza clench and unclench her jaw before she sighed and just turned on the radio. Some weird musical soundtrack drifted out of her speakers, and he turned to look out the window. It was a quiet drive to their workplace, with Eliza humming to her music and Alex picking at loose gold thread on his uniform. He wasn't even aware they had arrived at work until Eliza laid a hand on his shoulder, making him flinch.

"Alex...," she started, but stopped as his brow furrowed.

"I'm fine, I'm moving and I'm breathing, my bones aren't broken, I haven't had a gun against my head lately. Sure I bleed a little more than most people, and I have more bruises than I have hours of sleep, but I'm fine. I'm fine," he felt bad after he took a breath, running a hand through his hair anxiously. He didn't want to snap at Eliza, he didn't mean to. It was his fault his morning had lead to blood shed, not hers. He watched her hand reach towards him than stop, instead going to take her keys out of the car.

"If you're fine, you're fine. Sorry for assuming you weren't," Eliza's voice was sharp, like John's was when he was about to strike and Alex tugged on his hair to keep from breaking down.

"Great," he mumbled. He got out of the car quickly, wanting to avoid upsetting one of his only friends further. The walk from the car to the entrance was quick, but he knew Eliza was still in the car. She was probably taking the ten minutes until their shift started to once again try to get Lafayette and Hercules to get Alex out of his relationship. It wasn't going to work, it never did. He took a deep breath and clutched the door handle as he stepped into the coffee shop. The tinkle of the bells and the smell of coffee washed over Alex, and he was instantly calmed. His place of work was one of his only safe places left. One of the only places John didn't dare to corner him in.

"Welcome to the Sacred Grounds of Libertea, how are yo- Hamilton?" he immediately recognized the voice as Thomas', but the tinge of worry was new. He was used to starting an argument at the beginning of his shift, not this. But then again, Thomas wasn't used to the age old lie of 'Alex's worst enemy is the inventor of the door'. This was the only qualm of new employees.

"Morning Jefferson," he replied, walking behind the counter as he fiddled with his apron.

"Did someone finally get tired of your opinions?" the man asked, an eyebrow raised. It was obvious that he was trying to pretend he wasn't worried, but Alex knew when people were worried. The people around him were always on the edge of worry.

"No, a door was just offended by my height," he lied easily, but he wished for once that he didn't have to lie. He watched Jefferson raise an eyebrow before turning back to putting pastries in the display case.

"I don't blame it, you are pretty small," he replied. Alex snorted before signing in for his shift, and then looked back at Thomas. He only got to admire him for a moment, before Eliza entered and Alex had to pretend he wasn't staring at his co-worker. Eliza and Thomas waved at each other, before going about their usual tasks. He watched the interaction before smiling slightly and going to stand at the register. Work was safe, no one could hurt him here. Hope was allowed to blossom at his small sanctuary behind a register.

It was a rough work day for Alex, and by the time he slid into the passenger seat of Eliza's car it had become difficult to breath.

"You alright?" she asked, glancing at him quickly before focusing on driving.

"Yeah, my ribs just hurt a little is all. John's going to wrap them when he gets home," he said distractedly, taking out his phone to check Twitter.

"Alex you wouldn't have to wrap your ribs if you had a, I don't know, normal relationship? With someone a little emotionally stable, who doesn't give you more bruises than you get hours of sleep?" her knuckles were gripped so hard on the steering wheel that they were white, and Alex sighed.

"Eliza I'm fine, okay? I'm breathing and don't have any broken bones and John is mostly okay," his eyes stayed glued to his phone, brow furrowed. He heard Eliza huff, and the rest of the ride was completely silent.

"Be careful Alex," Eliza placed her hand on Alex's arm as he went to leave the car. He chuckled bitterly and smiled at her.

"When am I not careful Betsey?" he opened the door, closing it at the same time he heard a flustered 'Alexander'. He knew Eliza idled on the side of the road until he entered the doors of his apartment complex. He felt bad about the way he had snapped at her, but he was tired of how often she brought it up. In hindsight he was also just tired.

He almost started crying when he realized that the elevators were broken, and the trek up four flights of stairs did bring tears to his eyes. But he was okay, his ribs being injured was nothing new, nothing he couldn't work around. Alex entered the apartment quietly, he wasn't late but he also couldn't gauge John's temperament immediately upon entering. John appeared from the bathroom as he removed his sneakers, and Alex prepared for the worse. John merely grinned at him.

"Come here sweetheart, we can wrap your ribs and get ready for dinner," he walked back into the bathroom and Alex cautiously went after him. John smiled softly at him as he entered the bathroom, and gestured for him to sit on the toilet.

"I'm pretty sure we're going to Olive Garden. Lafayette said something about all you can eat pasta or something. How was the cafe today?" Alex shrugged, and let John help him out of his shirt. Through out the process John kept talking, sometimes kissing Alex on the forehead or cheek. Alex sat quietly the entire time, enjoying the affection but also waiting for the other shoe to drop. By the time they were both in nice jeans and button ups, with John helping Alex with his shoes, he decided maybe only the morning had been bad. Before they left John stopped Alex to kiss him soundly, smile not all the way there as he pulled away.

"Don't be a slut tonight Alex," he hummed, running his finger along the smaller man's jaw. John opened the door and walked out, leaving Alex blinking after him a little shocked. The words settled over Alex like a blanket, and he bit his cheek. It was at this moment he thought that it was time to just start listening to Eliza. If only he wasn't scared out of his mind of how quickly John could switch from a violent anger to a finger on the trigger anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments = !!!yay!!!
> 
> Also follow me on tumblr: [the-gay-rosario](http://the-gay-rosario.tumblr.com)
> 
> also some chapters might be lower in quality than others (example: this one, because I lost my flow after "oh honey" haha)


	3. Main Course of Disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written on a seven hour car ride home (I saw the Schuyler mansion because I convinced the driver to make a detour)  
> it made a group member cry  
> it made me upset(because i lost my flow and also just because i am upset)
> 
> Someone please just hug Alex for me  
> and never let him go
> 
> Enjoy!

Alexander was starting to get uncomfortable with the amount of quiet car rides he had in one day. John hadn't spoken since they left the apartment, but he also hadn't so maybe the silence was his fault. He stared out of the window until they got to Olive Garden, absentmindedly tugging on his hair to keep himself from saying stupid things. As soon as the car was parked, Alex was out and making a beeline straight towards where he saw Hercules and Lafayette. Other then the one time John had snapped, he never hurt Alex in front of their friends. He immediately hugged Laf, who hugged back for a second before pulling them apart.

"Mon petit lion," he sighed, tracing the bruise on Alex's face gently, a frown already starting.

"Its fine Laf, doesn't even hurt," Alex lied, moving his face away.

"Alex," John's hand landing on his shoulder startled him, "You shouldn't run off."

"I'm not a child John," he retorted, furrowing his eyebrows and ignoring the way John's hand tightened.

"Little dude just wanted to see his friends John, lay of off him," Hercules sounded incredibly calm, even as he removed John's hand from Alex's shoulder, "We came to have a nice dinner, not to treat our best friend as a child."

John clenched his jaw and flexed his hands before muttering something that sounded like 'fine' and turning to walk into the restaurant.

"I'm sor-"

"No you don't. There's nothing for you to apologize for. You aren't the raging idiot here," Herc sounded annoyed already and Alex shifted uncomfortably, knowing it was actually his fault.

"Lets go eat, oui?" Laf spoke up, wrapping his arm around Alex's shoulders and urging him forward. He didn't have that much of an appetite, but at least he had Hercules and Lafayette. He couldn't complain. There was always the chance that John would go to bed immediately after dinner, eight of ten times he did.

~

They had been at dinner for an hour, everyone but Alex having hit their third plate of pasta. John had placed his hand on Alex's thigh at some point, and he thought it was a kind gesture. Until he started tightening his grip. Alex had been staring intensely at his half finished plate of pasta, listening to Hercules' story about the play he was currently making costumes for and trying not to squirm when he noticed Lafayette perk up.

"Thom! Mon ami! Salut, ca va?" he looked silly, aggressively gesturing for his friend to come over. Alex looked up at the same moment John tightened his grip even more. He realized why when he connected a name to the smiling face now standing at their table.

"Ca va tres bien, et toi?" he was grinning at Lafayette and wow did Alex wish he could be graced with that smile. He looked down when he realized he was thinking about someone else with his partner's hand currently on his thigh.

"Thomas you know I'm always good, especially when I'm with Hercules," he sounded smug and Alex chuckled. Lafayette was always too forward, especially when it gave him a chance to flaunt his relationship with Hercules.

"Wow, too much. It was nice seeing you Laf, but I should go take a seat before Jemmy up and leaves. Text me, and we can talk more. Or you could come to Sacred Grounds more," Alex looked up when his work was mentioned and made eye contact with Thomas, who had an eyebrow raised at him.

"I'll be sure to try, it would be nice to see you and Alex in one go," Laf replied, looking between him and Thomas. Thomas nodded, glancing around the table before turning to go.

"See you at work, Alexander," he said, quirking an eyebrow. Alex blushed a little and went back to staring at his pasta, grimacing slightly when John's grip got impossibly tighter on his thigh.

Alex watched as Thomas walked away, startling slightly when John removed his hand to help with paying the check. He looked at his lap and rubbed his thigh, frowning slightly. He glanced over at John, openly flirting with the waitress and stood up.

"I'm going to the bathroom, I'll meet you outside," he announced, only being acknowledged by Hercules and Lafayette. He sighed and walked to the bathroom, not really needing to go, but just feeling suffocated by John. Once he was in the bathroom, he just stared at his reflection, and then stopped. He honestly looked terrible, from the eye bags to the bruising to the overall sickly look he had from the stress John caused. It was almost safe to say that he might have looked better in the Caribbean, where he had been malnourished and actually sick. Alex wasn't aware he was crying until he heard the soft swish of the door, then a confused "Hamilton? Are you okay?"

He blinked rapidly, feeling the wetness of his cheeks. It was just Thomas, not John.

"I'm fine," he grumbled, quickly wiping his face, "just allergies."

He was on a mission to get pass Thomas easily, and his hand was on the door when he spoke again.

"It isn't even allergy season, Alexander," the way Thomas said it made him think of a fisherman throwing out his line. This was his bait, he was being offered a hook. He chose not to take it however, and opened the door.

"Maybe for you. See you at work, Thomas," he left quickly, and went immediately to the exit. John, Hercules, and Lafayette were waiting outside, and Laf smiled when Alex emerged.

"It was good to see you mon petit lion," he grinned, pulling Alex into a gentle hug.

"Come have a movie night soon, little dude," Hercules chuckled, giving him a fist bump. Alex watched their not so friendly goodbyes to John, and then started walking towards their car when John grabbed his bicep tightly.

"Alex, sluts don't get rides home," he sneered.

"John I-"

"Yes you did, Thomas made you blush. There's something there I don't like or approve of," Alex could see the thoughts filtering through John's head of just how willing he was to risk hitting Alex right now.

"But you were flirting with the waitress!" he all but whined, trying to pry his arm away.

"Yes, but unlike some people, I'm not a slut. I hope you like your walk home Alexander," John let go of his arm and went in the direction of their car.

"IT IS NINE AT NIGHT IN THE CITY JOHN!" he yelled, flinching when he heard John dryly chuckle. He watched him turn around and shrug.

"Sounds like a problem for you princess," he replied, twirling the car keys on his finger as he turned back around, continuing to the car. Alex debated forcing him to let him in the car, but knew that would make matters worse. He also couldn't walk, because he rather preferred being mostly alive. In frustration he stomped his foot and felt hot tears roll down his cheeks. He hated this, he hated feeling so helpless. He went and sat on one of the benches situated outside the building. He could text Lafayette, but he knew he would only upset his friend. He had nowhere else to go, so he put his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands and let himself cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to the end of another low quality chapter wowza (sorry)
> 
> Follow me on tumblr: [the-gay-rosario](http://the-gay-rosario.tumblr.com)
> 
> Comments and kudos are grrrrr8


	4. And Hope's Tide Turns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YO  
> i'm so sorry this took a while  
> between animation and my school production i have next to no free time and aggressive writers block  
> but hey  
> i am doing my job, i am doing it right
> 
> Please enjoy!

"Hamilton?," the voice was worried, and Alex didn't bother to look up, knowing he would be approached even if he didn't reply, "Didn't you leave like an hour ago?"

"John left an hour ago. I did not. I was told to walk," he glanced up, taking account of Jefferson's furrowed brow.

"Who does that?"

"John I guess. I would have taken a cab but I left my wallet at home, and I didn't want to bother my friends," he left out the fact that he was also terrified to walk. Night time in a city like this wasn't built for him. He was back to staring at the ground, listening to Jefferson shuffle his feet.

"Alexander...do you want a ride?" the nervous lilt in his voice made Alex look up, then shrug.

"I wouldn't want to be a bother."

"I'm not about to let you mope outside Olive Garden all night."

He chuckled, watching Thomas and waiting for him to retract his offer. When he didn't, Alex stood and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"I guess," he followed after him as he walked towards wherever he had parked his car. "Thank you," he said it softly and Thomas looked over his shoulder at him and shrugged.

"You're welcome, it isn't a big deal though," he found his car after saying it, beeping it and walking over quickly. Alex scanned the purple car with squinted eyes, it looked expensive but not too expensive. It was a pretty car however, glittering softly in the street lamps' light. He got into the vehicle after Thomas cleared his throat, grabbing his attention back.

"What's your address?," Alex met his expectant gaze before looking down at his hands and frowning.

"I don't want to go home..."

"Is there anyone you can stay with?"

"I don't want to bother Lafayette and Hercules and Eliza went to her sister's to babysit tonight..." He shifted awkwardly in his seat. Thomas tapped his fingers on the wheel before starting the car.

"Well tomorrow is our day off. You can stay with me I guess," he pulled out of the parking lot and Alex let out a tiny relieved laugh.

"Thank you, I'll be out of your hair right in the morning." Thomas snorted and rolled his eyes, turning on his radio.

"There really isn't a problem. Just don't bring up your wrong opinions in my house, I rather like when it isn't tainted with stupidity," he said it jokingly and Alex felt stupidly relieved. The car ride was short and filled with smart remarks and small fits of laughter. They also sang along with the radio badly, judging each other in Simon Cowell voices.

It was nice to not have a quiet car ride in Alex's opinion. He was learning a lot about Thomas, and again wondering just how hard it would be to leave John. When they got to Thomas' house they didn't stop their banter on purpose, they stopped because because something furry tackled Alex.

"That's Celia, she loves people," Thomas said, chuckling.

"She's bigger than me," Alex giggled, running his hands through the dog's fur. She sniffed at his hair and licked his face. He couldn't place her breed but she was huge and fluffy.

"Celia, leave him alone," it was obvious Thomas was trying to not laugh harder, but Alex heard the sound of a phone camera and giggled to himself. The dog got off him and walked over to Thomas. She sat down and whuffed at him.

"You're so needy," it was grumbled fondly, as he walked to the sliding glass doors to open them. She trotted out, and Alex stood. He held his arm around his middle, trying to ignore the pain that had settled from getting unceremoniously knocked to the floor.

"So-" Thomas walked over to a dish on the floor and picked it up, "-you can sleep on my couch. I can probably lend you something to sleep in, and I'll drive you home in the morning. Where do you live?," Alex told him his address, and Thomas nodded. He walked into his kitchen and came back out with the dish filled.

"You're by the dog park Celia goes to, I normally bring her on my days off so it's a win-win," he set the dish back down and turned around to face Alex, arms crossed.

"Does John hit you often?"

"John doesn't hit me," his defenses went up immediately. There was always a catch to people being nice.

"And non-abusive people don't make their partners walk home at night."

"Its nothing, I just messed up a little."

"Alexander there are people who can help with this. Lawyers, the police, shel-"

"Jefferson please drop it," he ran his hand through his hair and looked away from the man in front of him. Now four people knew of his situation, and one didn't know how bad the consequences could get if they intervened. It could only go downhill. But,

"Fine. But I'm willing to help if you want out," he let his dog in, and then stood directly in front of him. Alex almost flinched when he laid his hand on his shoulder, "Good night, Alexander. I'll leave something for you to sleep in in the bathroom. Which is down the hall. And if you need another blanket, the closet across from the bathroom has them."

He nodded and Thomas stepped back, looked at him for a moment, and then walked away.

Later, when he was settled on Thomas' couch in too big clothes and his dying phone in his hand he texted Eliza.

A.Ham: i think i want out  
Betsey <3: are you sure?  
A.Ham: yea...

He couldn't begin to imagine the events that could follow. But a stupid fantasy of lying in Thomas' bed instead of on his couch kept him from doubt. He was going to get out somehow, or he was going to die trying.

~

When he left Thomas' car the next morning, dread immediately settled. He had said goodbye to both Thomas and Celia and they had left. But now he stood in front of his apartment door, a slight tremble settled into his hands.

"John?" He closed the door behind him, hoping that John had work today. Or that he got called in. Or something that would lead to him being out of the apartment right now. The apartment stayed silent, and Alex almost let himself relax before John walked out of the bedroom. He watched John's eyes track his body before settling back on his face.

"Who's hoodie is that? Because I know for a fact you didn't stay with Eliza or Laf and Herc, and you definitely didn't walk home." Alex frowned, remembering he had stolen Thomas' hoodie. Thomas hadn't seemed to care.

"It...uh...it belongs to Thomas," he whispered, watching anger slide onto John's face.

"You are just so set on being a slut for him, huh?"

"I...," Alex backed up, flinching when he was stopped by the door. John stalked towards him. He opened his mouth, about to try and talk John down when hands closed around his throat. Fear washed over him, and he brought up his own hands on instinct to try and remove John's. He tried to yell, they were close enough to the door for a passing neighbor to hear. John thought too fast though, and tightened his hands. Alex stared at him, still struggling as he lost air.

"I love you, you know? And you just keep doing this shit. We've been so good, so happy, why are you acting out now? Don't you remember what we told each other? Alexander and John forever and ever and ever." John's words were becoming muffled, and Alex's heart pounded so hard he could hear it. Could John hear it? Did he know how panicked Alex was?

"Why can't you just be happy to be in a relationship, Alex? No one else would like you. You run your mouth and never sleep and work at a shitty coffee shop. You run stupid blogs and go off on Twitter tangents. No one else would even put up with that, why do you think Thomas would be any different?-" Alex's vision was going dark, and he tried harder to pull John's hands off his throat, digging his nails in "-I could always bring the gun out again Alex, have a little repeat. But I trust I won't have to, because you love me. I love you. Isn't that right, baby?"

Alex tried to nod and thankfully John got the idea and removed his hands. He yanked them away from his grip on his wrists and Alex just let himself slide to the ground. He heard John chuckle and walk away as he was desperately trying to get air back in his lungs. He had regained some composure when John squatted down in front of him.

"Poor Alexander, doesn't know what to do when he can't fight back with words," he hummed, pushing Alex's hair out of his face before he picked him up.

"We can have a lazy day on the couch. Watch some movies and cuddle. Wouldn't that be nice?"

He didn't respond, just buried his face in John's shoulder and tried not to cry.

If only he was stronger, less defenseless. If only Alex, if only, if only, if only.

_Get away or die trying_ , he thought to himself even as he indulged John by cuddling close to him on the couch.

_You'll thank yourself in the long run._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty @ the group chat for helping me get a grasp of how strangling happens  
> as always follow me on tumblr! ([the-gay-rosario](http://the-gay-rosario.tumblr.com))  
> and leave comments and kudos!  
> I'll try to get chapter five out sooner but who knows


	5. Hope You Can Get Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -drops and runs-

It had been two months. Two months since Alexander had been looking for a way out. Two months since both Eliza and Thomas had started helping him. Two months since John had discovered how much he liked seeing bruises on Alex's neck and another thing to cover had been added to his list. Two months that felt more like a year. He was tired and in pain more often than not, and didn't understand why he had been handed this plate of steaming shit. All Alex wanted was an easy life, one that was not full of fear and careful actions. One where he was loved.

"Alexander," Eliza snapped her fingers in fromt of his face and he flinched, "Sorry. But you need to go wipe down the tables and sweep the floor, you aren't doing anything productive back here."

"I'm s-"

"Ah-ah, no apologies. I get why you keep zoning out but I would rather you keep your job so you aren't home all day everyday," she pushed a piece of hair behind his ear and smiled gently. He knew she was worried, everyone was worried. It would be bearable if they just stopped treating him like glass. She was about to open her mouth to say something else, but he shook his head. He was sick of her pity laced words, no matter how much he loved her. All he had to do was sweep and clean tables, nothing could go wrong.

And for once, nothing did go wrong. He finished his cleaning of the floor as his shift ended. Then loitered for the extra twenty minutes it took for Thomas to get off his shift. They were going to take Celia to the dog park instead of taking him home immediately today. It would be okay, they had watched the news of a horrendous crash all day. Accidents meant John would not get home until late, seeing as he was an emergency nurse. It made him bitter that the one thing that usually made relationships rough was his solace.

"How are you?," Thomas knew the answer but he always asked anyways. It made Alex feel validated in some way. He didn't reply immediately, taking the time to buckle up his seatbelt and fold his uniform apron in his hands.

"I'm tired," he finally answered, looking over as Thomas started the car.

"I know. Are you sure you want to take Celia to the dog park? We can just watch a movie or two at my place instead," he looked back at him, an eyebrow raised in suggestion. He took a second too long to reply, distracted by the way that Thomas actually gave him choices. He found himself wondering yet again what it would be like to date him, to be free of John's clutch on his throat and with someone who seemed to actually care.

"No, I want to take Celia. She likes seeing other dogs, and its good to get her out of the house," he looked away as he replied. It was also good to get him out of the house, but he wasn't going to mention it. He wasn't going to tell Eliza or Thomas how John had taken up to refusing to let Alex out of the apartment. _'Sluts who don't walk home don't get to dally around the city, you should know that sweetheart'._ The secret dog park trips gave him a minute to breath. It was hard to really only exist in his home and at work.

Celia was ecstatic when they picked her up, getting into the backseat and then immediately sticking her head through the gap between the passenger and driver seat to lick Alex's face. He let it happen, petting her head and trying not to grin because that would only lead to her tongue in his mouth. It had already happened too much, thanks to her habit to lick non-stop when excited.

"You know Li, I'm kind of jealous. I think you love Alexander more than me," Thomas chuckled as he got back into the car. She didn't even acknowledge him, trying to sneakily climb into the passenger seat to sit on Alex.

"Didn't you know Thomas? I'm Mr. Steal Yo Dog," he grinned at his own joke, immediately regretting it when Celia got too close to licking into his mouth. He started gently pushing her back, whispering that it would be no fun if she got them into a crash. She relented at the promise of treats, finally settling in the back seat with her head on her paws and her tail still wagging. Alex really loved Celia, thought that if only he could have had a dog through all these years life with John would have been easier.

When they got to the park Celia was out of the car and greeting another dog in seconds. Then she stole a ball and took off, and Thomas and Alex sat on a bench to keep an eye on her. She liked to just play freely and it Thomas had gotten used to just watching her. Alex had too, and took these moments to watch the dogs and just relax. The air was cool, slowly approaching spring, and the warmth from sitting next to Thomas was relaxing. He let himself lean against the taller man, felt him shift to provide him comfort, and closed his eyes. For just a moment all was well.

If only the peace could last. His phone started ringing twenty minutes later, and he had to sit up and rub the almost sleep out of his eyes. He fished it out of his pocket and frowned at the contact name before picking up.

"Hi John, how is work?," he looked at his lap with a frown. John never called during work. Only really ever called when he was mad at Alex or on the way home and wanted dinner made by the time he got there or anything but kind words and quick check-ins.

"They let us a handful of us off shift because we'd all been there too long," it didn't seem like there was anything wrong. Maybe he really was just coming home and telling Alex he was on his way.

"Oh. That's nice. Do you want dinner?"

"Mmm. I would, but you know it is kind of hard to ask for dinner when you aren't home."

"What?"

"You are not home."

"Y-yes I am."

"Really? Because the GPS I activated on your phone, and the fact I can see you from this parking lot says otherwise."

"W-what?," he couldn't bring himself to believe John. He had one solace, one secret safe place in his secret visits to the dog park. But now it looked like those were ruined too. He looked at Thomas who was staring at him and made eye contact, knowing he probably looked lost and scared.

"Get in the car in five minute or the repercussions will be worse than they already are, Alexander," there was a click that indicated the call was over and his stomach dropped. Then he was standing and shoving his phone back in his pocket.

"I-I have to go. T-tell Celia I love her. Bye," he turned to leave, eyes warm with tears he didn't want to shed. He heard Thomas stand up and say his name but he kept walking, scared to make whatever would happen any worse.

Nothing was said when he got in the car. Nothing was said on the walk up to their apartment. Nothing was said when they got inside. John gestured for him to sit down, then walked to their room to presumably change. Alex had sat for thirty minutes, pulling on his hair and hoping. Hoping that just this once John wasn't going to actually do anything and he would be okay for one night.

Then John came out of the room holding a medical kit and one of his pocket knives, and Alex could feel the dread dig its claws in.

"John?"

"Hm?," John sounded disinterested, sitting on the coffee table in front of Alex.

"W-what are you doing?"

"Teaching you a lesson."

"Haven't you taught me enough? You've already broken bones, what is breaking flesh going to do? Don't you think its time to admit that you've gone too far? What if you end up k-," the sharp sound of John slapping his cheek effectively silenced him, and he bit his lip as tears built up.

"You should know by now when to shut up, dear-," he sighed. Then he stood up with his knife and moved to short distance to the couch to stand in front him, "-Shirt off, then lay on your back."

"John, no."

"Alexander."

"I won't let yo-"

"You are going to do this or I am going to accidentally stab you and let you bleed out, sweetheart," his voice was low and sharp and Alex took in a sharp breath before removing his shirt with shaking hands and laid back on the couch. John flipped the knife open then smirked and straddled Alex. He rubbed his thumb against his hip, face lost in thought. Alex counted the seconds, head turned to stare at a bruise on his arm. If he didn't pay attention then whatever was about to happen wouldn't hurt as bad. He flinched when John ghosted the tip of the knife across his hip.

"You're going to thank me for this later baby, I promise. You just need this reminder," he dug the knife into Alex's skin with a hum and he had to stop himself from crying out and potentially worsening this. Agonizing minutes later John was standing up again, setting the knife down and fiddling with the first aid kit. He stared at the ceiling, tears steadily streaming down his cheeks. He barely registered John gently picking him up, trying to not jostle him. He took him to the bathroom and made him stand to look in the mirror. Alex stared at the new wound as his boyfriend prepared ointment and gauze for it. There against his pale skin was blood and four letters crudely cut into his hip.

_Slut._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What no I never lost motivation for this because of a comment about a dog (I needed to time jump I was so void of motivation I'm sorry)
> 
> Times my dogs tongue has been in my mouth because of her excitement: Too many  
> Times I've been kissed: Zero
> 
> Yell at me! Comment! Kudos! Ill take it all!!!  
> Alternatively you can yell at me on Tumblr too: [the-gay-rosario](http://the-gay-rosario.tumblr.com)


	6. Storming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a panic attack in this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeet

Lafayette and Hercules saw it the day after it happened. They came over for lunch while John was away. He had had an internal struggle of whether or not he should show them, but ultimately decided it was the best choice. Lafayette didn't say anything, merely stared as Alex fiddled with the gauze he had removed. Hercules had shook his head and whispered that he thought John was getting better. They finished lunch on an awkward note and both left quietly after Lafayette hugged him far too tight for far too long. He wished they could do more for him, but he knew they were just scared. He was scared too.

John actually seemed to be getting better. It had been a week since he had taken a knife to Alex's skin and he was sweet and kind. He made him food and asked to cuddle him and apologized daily for his hip. He changed the bandage for him and was as gentle as he could be. He should have known it didn't actually mean anything, but he was tired and hopeful. His hope faltered when John told him to quit his job, and almost defied him. Almost. If only he was strong enough. He sent in his two weeks notice without telling Eliza or Thomas, hoping they wouldn't notice. Of course they did and they called him to demand what was going on.

"I just need a break," the lie had felt sour on his tongue. His job was his only safe place, the only reason John kept to bruising places that could be covered.

"Sure Alex, we all know that's a lie. Its time we do something," Eliza's voice had been sharp. Determined. Alex feared she would do something drastic that would end in disaster. There was a slight scuffle for the phone that he could hear, and then Thomas was talking.

"Alexander," it was softly said and Alex again found himself briefly thinking of a life with Thomas before it was interrupted by, "we are going to help you. We get it might be abrupt but by the end of this month you could be living with Eliza and out of John's clutches. You'd finally be able to breathe."

"But he's...been better," he didn't believe the words that came out of his mouth, and apparently Eliza did not either because she was talking again.

"Alexander as the designated mom friend I call bullshit. I know his games. We all do. He's predictable Alex, and his next move could be your life. He's different sweetie, and you know it."

"I know...I just...I don't want you getting hurt in the long run just because you're worried about me."

"The more we worry the faster we can get you out of this situation. It has gone on for far too long. We'll see you soon Alex, be safe," there was a click and then he was left to stare at his phone. He zoned out like that, phone in his hand as he sat on the couch. He believed Eliza. If it went on any longer he would end up dead, another name in another headline about domestic abuse. Or just a quick mention in a sentence. He almost found himself wishing for it.

He was still being plagued with the thoughts when John got home. He slammed the door behind him and Alex tensed as he looked over. There was blood on his scrubs and his eyes were dark and he knew that the night was not going to be good. John hadn't acknowledged him yet so he tucked his phone into his waistband and stood. He fought his instinct for flight to walk over to him, smiling softly as John absently handed his coat over.

"Was work rough?," he kept his voice soft and steady, trying to deter the anger that brewed in his eyes.

"A train derailed. It was chaotic all day," he sounded tired. Maybe he was too tired to do anything, it was all Alex could hope.

"If you go take a hot shower, I'll make dinner...and then we could go to bed?"

"Or we could order chinese and shower together then cuddle until we fall asleep on the couch," he smiled. There was no malice in his voice or face and Alex smiled back before nodding. His friends were wrong, John was getting better. They just couldn't see it, too focused on his hidden bruises and restrictions.

Their shower was quiet, spent washing each other's hair and bodies and passing kisses back and forth. He felt safe. He thought about how he'd have to tell Eliza and Thomas to back off during dinner. They fed each other food and told stupid jokes and Alexander remembered why he even fell in love with John. He loved the way his eyes lit up when he was telling him something dirty, and the way he laughed with his body. He loved the way his curls bounced and how some of his freckles were highlighted when his cheeks were stained red. He could forget everything he had ever done simply because he couldn't help but love John. No one could understand. He was loved and safe, and sure there was some hiccups. But there were always hiccups in a relationship. He made a mental note to make it clear to his friends that he didn't want them to interfere.

By the time dinner was finished and they were settling on the couch a storm was brewing. It made Alex worry when he looked out the window and saw the dark clouds churning on the sky, but he was quickly distracted. John pulled him into his lap, nuzzling into his neck while he chose a show. After he set the remote down he was pulled down, John settling them into a comfortable laying position before nuzzling back into his neck. He spent more time placing kisses there then he did watching their show, but it relaxed Alex. Within the hour they were both asleep, relaxed and warm.

Alexander woke up to the sound of thunder, followed by lightning filling the room with light. He curled further into John's embrace, only just realizing there were tears rolling down his cheeks. He recollected the fact that he had been dreaming about the hurricane, and used his free arm to wipe his face. If he stayed very still he could calm down and fall back asleep. The storm had a different plan however, as the thunder clapped again and he flinched. He could feel John stirring and he really didn't want him to wake up. He knew John hated his anxiety over storms, told him he was weak for it. But it was too late, and the arms that tightened around his waist told him so.

"Go back to sleep Alexander," he grumbled, kissing the back of his neck.

"O-okay," he grimaced at the hitch in his breath. Maybe John hadn't noticed, he wasn't saying anything. Then the thunder clapped again and Alex whimpered, closing his eyes tight and pretending he wasn't being weak.

"Hmmm....what have I told you about storms Alex?"

"T-t-t-that they're harmless and I s-s-sshouldn't be a b-b-baby about them because it is childish a-and pointless," he couldn't control his breathing or crying, but he was trying. John didn't seem to appreciate the effort. He hummed again before unwrapping his arms from around Alex's waist.

"Fuckin' weakling," he muttered before shoving him off the couch. He felt his head impact with the corner if the coffee table, but didn't it let it set in as he curled into a ball on his new place on the floor. He just needed to calm down and it would be okay. He heard John get up off the couch, and then he kneeled in front of Alex.

"Don't come to bed sweetheart. I don't want to sleep beside a child," he stood and kicked him in the ribs harshly before walking away.

He could feel the tears streaming down his face, and the trickle of blood from his new injury. He decided then, as he curled up tighter after another thunder clap, that he wasn't going to stay with John. He needed to be out, and he wouldn't let his inability to decide if he should leave stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this seems rushed or badly written its because I lost motivation immediately after the first chapter  
> But I must soldier on  
> Follow me on tumblr!: [the-gay-rosario](http://the-gay-rosario.tumblr.com)
> 
> Comments and kudos please!


	7. Something Has to Give

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gun  
> Suicidal thoughts  
> Gun
> 
> Also full disclosure ive never been shot before and did minimum research about getting shot sorry

There were no pros to John making him quit his job. He no longer had a solid reason to leave the apartment often, and he was scared to reach out to any of his friends and ask to hang out. John never let anyone but Lafayette and Hercules over, because he knew they wouldn't try to rescue Alex. The threat of a gun tended to do that to people.

He felt trapped. Like Cinderella or Rapunzel or some other princess. Except it was his prince who locked him away and not some nasty mother. He couldn't even text Betsey to pass time, seeing as he had broken his phone within a week after quitting. Or really John had broken it, had grabbed him and pulled him to make him walk faster and had made him drop his phone on the sidewalk. It had landed on the concrete with a crack and he had known it wouldn't be functional after. John had said that he'd get him a new phone within a month.

He doubted it. He couldn't talk to her on Facebook either because he shared his account with John, a mistake he didn't realize until it was too late.

He was just miserable. He wanted his job back and the ability to talk to his best friend freely. He longed for dog park days with Thomas, or that one night months ago where he slept at Thomas'. He longed for there to be no visible bruises on his skin, and for the word that was scarred into his skin to be gone. He considered an alternative option one night, held John's gun in his hand and wondered. But he knew he was stronger then that, if only there was someone there to help him be strong enough to leave.

Day in and day out he paced the apartment. He cleaned and cooked and napped and cleaned again. John started picking up more shifts and by result Hercules and Lafayette didn't come over as often. The lack of social contact led John to react violently more often, and Alex wasn't sure how much longer he could endure the pain. Something had to give.

And something did give. He had curled up on the couch on a Wednesday night, blanket wrapped around his shoulders and eyes glued to a news broadcast about a nasty crash. If he was lucky the crash would hit the ER right as John was about to leave his shift and then he would be held up for longer. It was sad that Alex hoped for hold ups at the hospital by now, the less he had to see John the better. He was determining how much longer he had before John got home if this didn't hold him up when he heard a knock.

It was rare to hear a knock on their door and he froze. Lafayette and Hercules were on a trip so it couldn't be them, and John would never forget his keys. He couldn't think of anyone else who would knock, but he stood to answer it anyways. He hesitated with his hand on the door before just opening it, not bothering to look through the eye-hole.

"Hey Alex, I remembered John worked later on Wednesdays I hope that's still the case. Do you have a suitcase you can pack necessities into quickly? If not we have a duffel, thank god you're alive, we were terrified. We're taking you to my house tonight whether you like it or not, you can't live with John anymore. And oh hon, your eye looks terrible," Eliza said everything in a rush as she shoved past Alex into the apartment, heading directly towards his bedroom. He stared blankly at Thomas, who stayed awkwardly in the doorway with a duffel in his hand.

"May I come in?," he asked softly. Alex nodded and stepped to the side, closing the door before turning to face him.

"You don't...have to do this...," he mumbled, listening to Eliza open and slam drawers in his room.

"We just want you to be safe. Even if we take drastic measures. Come on," Thomas turned and walked to his room, he followed him.

"No suitcase, stuff we need to put on the duffel is on his bed. We need to get in and out fast, like real fast. Hi Alex," he was suddenly engulfed in a hug, kind of hugging back as he watched Thomas shove things in the duffel bag. It was all sudden and he wasn't sure how to feel, sort of in a state of shock. He knew this would be good for him, but he couldn't help and wonder what would go wrong.

"Alex what have I told you about leaving the TV on?," and there was the worst case scenario. He cursed the door for deciding to not alert them to John's presence, and then grew worried because there was no escape for his friends.

"Oh shit," Eliza covered her mouth, looking towards the open doorway of the bedroom.

"Who's that, Alexander?," John's voice was even, and he heard the TV shut off. Then he heard the slide of one of their media center's drawers and swallowed. There was a possibility he was just putting the remote in there, but Alex knew the truth. He didn't answer John, choosing instead to walk towards the doorway. There was only one way out and they had to take it. Thomas handed Eliza the duffel bag and stood in front of both of them, and then they moved.

John stood by the media center still, inspecting the gun that Alex had rightly assumed he grabbed. He looked up and snorted.

"Awh, what's this babe? Are you having a party and not inviting me?"

"He's leaving," Thomas answered, fists clenched in what Alex knew was a move to hold off anxiety.

"Leave? Oh no no, sluts don't get to just leave. He doesn't even want to go, he loves me," John sounded so smug but deep down Alex knew that they both knew it wasn't true anymore. Knew at some point John had snapped and decided fear was the only way to keep Alex home. Knew that a threat had entered the fray when he had bonded with Thomas just that little bit. They both knew that if only Alex wasn't so terrified he would have been gone by now.

"He's not a slut, we have to go now," Thomas stepped forward, and John quickly raised his gun.

"No. He's not going anywhere. He doesn't want to go anywhere. Right, Alexander?," John made eye contact with him and he blinked.

"I...want to go. I don't...like this anymore," his voice wavered but he felt free telling the truth. He watched John's eye twitch. He let out a little hysterical laugh before flexing his finger slightly, and oh Alex knew where this was going. So he stepped in front of Thomas right as a shot went off.

He didn't register it at first, staring John down as he dropped the gun. Then he collapsed as realization filled his face and he turned and bolted.

He vaguely heard Eliza chanting 'oh my god' as Thomas quickly leaned down and checked him, before picking him up.

"I think it might be his lung, we have to go."

"We can't go to the local hospital because John's friend works there and always gets Alex so that all the serious things John does goes undocumented. My sister works at a hospital like thirty minutes away we have to go there."

"Only if you aren't agaisnt speeding."

"Fine whatever, we have to go."

He spaced out and opened his eyes again when he heard car doors slam, Thomas was with him in the back seat. That was silly.

"Thomas you can ride shot gun, its okay."

"Shhh Alex."

"Mmm," the car started and he closed his eyes, opening them again in what felt like years later to cough. The cough was wet and made him feel gross and made Thomas breath in sharply.

"He's coughing up blood Eliza."

"We're almost there Thomas."

"Hey Betsey, if I die tell Thomas he's pretty," Alex slurred his words, closing his eyes again.

He briefly opened them again and registered he wasn't in the car anymore before letting them flutter shut.

He wouldn't mind dying, anything the get rid of John.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gun.
> 
> PLEASE COMMENT AND LEAVE KUDOS AND YELL AT ME HERE OR ON TUMBLR!!!! ([the-gay-rosario](http://the-gay-rosario.tumblr.com))
> 
> I'm almost free from this hell fic Hallelu


	8. Take a Breath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen  
> I hate hospitals so this is just  
> ???

_It was quiet._

_Really quiet._

_Quiet and still. He wasn't sure where he was, but the material under him felt familiar. He didn't want to open his eyes though, wanted to sink into whatever he was laying on and sleep. Life was just so tiring._

_"Alexander," the voice was soft and familiar and he was up in an instant. He had to take a second to adjust to the light in the room he was in, and then he saw her. His mother. His beautiful...dead mother._

_"Mama?," he asked it quietly, not wanting to disturb whatever this was. She smiled at him and sat down._

_"Hi baby," she hummed, pulling him into her chest and settling her hand on his hair._

_"Hi mama," he whispered, closing his eyes again. He knew where he was now. He was on his old bed in his old house. All the way in the Caribbean on the island of St. Nevis._

_"You're too young to be here," she told him as he wrapped his arms around her waist._

_"What do you mean, mama?"_

_"You're not meant to die yet sweetheart."_

_"Is there where we go when we die?"_

_"Hmmmm, it's a variation I suppose. Everyone gets something different. But you aren't here to die, Alexander. You have so much to live for."_

_"But I'm tired mama..."_

_"Everyone gets tired. However, you're a fighter. You are going to fight through this and come up superior. Understand?"_

_He sighed and squeezed her before pulling away and sitting up. They stared at each for a second. Alex took in her long raven hair, and stared at the lines on her face. He missed her so much. He missed her, but he did not want to disappoint her. She reached out and took his hand, gave him an encouraging smile and nodded._

_"Okay mama, I love you. I'll see you later?"_

_"Of course baby. Come back when you're meant to."_

_He blinked, tears in his eyes._

Alex's eyes opened. He blinked several times and tried to take in his surroundings. But it was dark in the room. He closed his eyes, trying to process the sounds he was hearing. There were steady beeps, and he vaguely heard the squeaking of running sneakers. Hospital. That's where he was. Why was he here?

He opened his eyes again and attempted to sit up, but decided against it. He felt a little funny, and he was tired anyways. Maybe if he went back to sleep he would get to see his mom again. That sure would be nice....

He woke up again to voices, but he waited a little longer before opening his eyes. He was trying to place who was there but couldn't figure anyone out. He fully opened them, then blinked rapidly as he adjusted to the light. The person next to his bed was instantly standing up. He squinted for a second before realizing it was Thomas, and felt a weird flutter in his stomach.

"Hey Liza! He's up. I'm gonna go get a doctor," Thomas was up and out of the room too quickly, but then Eliza was beside his bed.

"Hey hon! Thank god you're here, you had us worried for a second," she reached up and pushed his hair back, a relieved smile following the action.

He opened his mouth to talk, then just coughed and hummed. He figured not talk was good, he felt wrong in some way.

"You were out for a week. Collapsed lungs aren't fun, gun shots are even more not fun. And you died for a second there. But now you're here! And okay! God we're so relieved," she was grinning now but he was confused.

"D....died?"

"Yeah! They got you to the emergency room and you coded, but they saved you. Obviously. Ange missed you, she's sad she finally gets to see you because of these circumstances. Also John is just...gone. We don't know where, and the police weren't being very helpful. We just hope he fled. God, Alex, we were worried," she sighed and removed her hand from his hair.

"Here now," he replied before he yawned. Maybe he should just go back to sleep.

"They'll check on you later. Its just good to know you can wake up."

The rest of his time in the hospital was blurry. He knows he slept a lot. But he also got to know Thomas a lot better. And finally chalked his weird stomach feeling up to a crush, which made him blush when he realized. He got to catch up with Angelica, and Lafayette and Hercules were mote alive around him then they'd been in years. His old boss visited him and gave him his job back after learning the situation. He had barely gotten rid of John but he already felt the weight of the world lift off his shoulders. He and Eliza even talked about friendship tattoos to cover up his scar, and it made him giddy. They sold his apartment while he was laid up, and when the discharged him he moved in with Eliza.

The world was brighter, he wished he had done this sooner. But he was glad he wiped away the if onlys, or really he was glad Eliza and Thomas stepped in when they did. It was a new world, it was fresher, and he was glad they had given him enough thought to gain this for him.

It was strange adjusting to a life without John. He was still jumpy, and flinched whenever a hand went up. But he was free to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. He got a new phone, and wasn't scared of the GPS being tracked. He got to go to the dog park on more days than just John's late nights. He wasn't made to walk home, and no one called him a slut anymore. There was still evidence of his relationship and he knew was eventually going to need counseling for the many years he had suffered.

But for now he got to breathe, he got to live his own way, he got to take "if only.....if only" way of thinking and sweep it under the carpet.

He couldn't wait for what his new life held.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter  
> Plus potential oneshots  
> I'm almost FREE
> 
> Please leaves COMMENTS and kudos!!!  
> Thank you!  
> Follow me/yell at me on tumblr: [the-gay-rosario](http://the-gay-rosario.tumblr.com)


	9. And Fly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate this fic  
> This is a terrible chapter  
> But I r e a l l y needed to finish  
> So I'm sorry for quality but damn I needed to get out so i could write other shit

The house was silent when Thomas got home. Not that it was usually loud, but there was no clicking of Celia's nails or Alex talking softly to her as he wrote. It worried him a little as he toed his shoes off, irrational fears bouncing around in his head. Most of them included John and the lingering warmth of Alex's blood on his hands, but he ignored it.

"Alex?," he called as he walked towards the bedroom. There wasn't a reply. Maybe he had taken the dog for a walk or they were both just sleeping. There wasn't a single reason to be worried. Or there were many, but he didn't want to think about them. He entered the bedroom and flipped the light on. Celia was sprawled on their bed, but Alex wasn't. Then he realized the bathroom light was on and sighed in relief.

"Did you fall asleep in the bath?," he asked softly as he walked into the bathroom, but Alex wasn't in the bath. He stood in front of their full-length mirror only in his boxers, frown plastered on his face. Thomas sighed softly and went to stand behind him, careful to not surprise him. Alex looked at him in the mirror briefly, before going back to staring at the scars that littered his body. The worse two were from when John had realized he was losing Alex, the jagged letters and gunshot that stood out against his tan skin.

"Thomas...do you ever regret....like....," Alex floundered for words, and Thomas took the moment to wrap his arms around his waist. He didn't flinch as often anymore, and he was relieved that he didn't flinch in this moment. "Do you ever regret meeting me?"

"Never," he replied quickly. He covered the scar on Alex's hip with his hand.

"Are you sure?," he went back to looking Thomas in the eyes through the mirror, placing his hand over his.

"You're one of the best people I could have met. I know we didn't like each other at the beginning but things change, Alex. Look at where we are know, hmm?"

"....Are you with me out of pity?"

"Darling, no. You know that. I'm with you for you and that's it," Thomas furrowed his brows. He didn't fully understand the mood Alexander was in, and he wasn't sure he'd be able to help him. It worried him to see Alex uncertain like this. Then he turned around in Thomas's arms and hugged him.

"Today marks a whole year without John," he mumbled into his chest, and then it clicked in his mind, "and we haven't been together a year but I already live with you. But we've basically been together for a year and I just....John brought his walls down after a year. I don't know why I was worried...you are nothing like him..."

"Alexander, I don't have an ounce in my body that would hurt you like he did," he whispered, hugging him close. The year had been rough, he knew that much. Knew that Alex couldn't be in his apartment so he sold it and lived with Eliza until he couldn't handle that anymore and asked Thomas how soon was too soon to live together. He knew Eliza worried about how fast they had gotten together after Alex's gunshot had healed and also knew she was grateful that Alex had finally escaped John. Knew that he struggled with everything in life without John, flinched in response to touches most days and asked for reassurances constantly and sometimes would get caught up in his head as he remembered all he had put up with. But Thomas also knew he was strong, and had survived this year with the support of people who cared. Had seen him get actual sleep and marveled at how beautiful his skin was sans the bruises. Had gone on double dates with Hercules and Lafayette and seen Alex open up and become excitable over seeing his friends on a constant and without the fear of John there to make him walk home after.

They didn't go to the dog park anymore. Or, well, they did. But they had to drive to one that was thirty minutes away. And Alex always left his phone at home, worried that John would find him again. He was still healing, it was evident in the way Thomas had to hold him right now, but he didn't care if it took years for him to heal. He was already so much brighter without the toxicity that had seeped into his every pore.

They stood like that in the bathroom for several minutes. Thomas listened to Alex breath and he knew that Alex listened to his heartbeat.

"Let's go to bed," Alex mumbled, breaking the silence that had settled. Thomas nodded, not making any movement. Alex sighed and kicked his foot gently to get him to move. He chuckled and picked Alex up, it would get them to the bed more efficiently.

When they got there, Thomas set him down then wandered off to take off his shirt and pants. Celia got up when the bed was jostled by Alex, and settled on the end of the bed, which made Thomas smile warmly. He climbed into bed beside where Alex had already burrowed into the covers and pulled him into his chest.

"Are you okay, Alexander?"

"As okay as I'll ever be."

"If only none of this happened."

"If onlys are just a waste of time, Thomas.,

"I know...."

"Hey....If none of this happened I wouldn't have you..."

"Heh, I love you too."

Alex backed himself up into Thomas, so that they were almost one. It would take recovery, but Thomas hoped that one day Alex would actually say it. For now he helped him recover, got to home him every night, saw his shy smiles and his real self.

And that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahahaha sorrryyyyyy  
> Yell at me on tumblr: [the-gay-rosario](http://the-gay-rosario.tumblr.com)


	10. Epilogue: Break Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -slamming head against wall-  
> I'm free but at what cost

"Alex, we are not here for cookies," Thomas sighed, watching his fiance study the different kinds with concentration he didn't know existed.

"Uh-huh, but you aren't stopping me," he replied and picked up two different boxes.

"Because if I try to stop you, you'll have my head," Thomas grumbled to himself. He pushed the cart back and forth boredly while he watched Alex squint at the ingredients. He had a habit of admiring Alex. Had been doing it for years. For one part, he was scared he would lose Alex. He still dreamt about his blood staining his shirt, his hands warm with it. But the other part was he was so incredibly lucky to have gained Alex. To have peeled back his shell and been shown in, despite all that had happened. Hadn't even gotten rejected when he proposed.

Alex was a changed person ever since getting free of John. He was bright as the sun all the time, and almost never shut up. He didn't slink away from interaction and 9 times out of 10 their crew found themselves wandering the city at three in the morning because he had proposed some weird scheme. He was always excited knowing that Alex was free to be himself. It made him grin like the hopelessly in love fool he was.

"Thomas if you're thanking your lucky stars for me again I'm eating all the cookies," Alex broke his thought train as he dropped both packages he had been holding into their cart. Thomas stared at him for a second before he snorted.

"And who said I wanted to eat them anyways?," he questioned and smirked as Alex huffed softly.

"The man who knows exactly what kind of cookie you like sa-," Alex froze mid-sentence, his face fell and he went pale. Thomas stopped leaning on the cart immediately, turning around to see what had caught his eye.

"Alexander?," he asked as Thomas stepped in front of said person, "You still live here?"

"Go away, Laurens," Thomas snapped, narrowing his eyes at the other man.

"I...I wanted to apologise," he responded and walked closer, a calculating look on his face.

"Oh? Really? Its a little late for that," he said, reaching behind him to make sure Alex was there. A trembling hand clutched his and he gritted his teeth.

"Wow. I can't believe you're seriously protecting him," his demeanor changed. So his temperament was exactly the same. Which meant that what Thomas was about to do was justified.

"I mean, I could be calling the police on you," he shrugged, before adding, "but I'll just leave this for you and never speak to you again instead."

With that, Thomas took a step forward to be closer to John before pulling his arm back and punching him in the nose. He heard and crack and saw blood and turned around to grab Alex and leave.

"We can go shopping across town," he mumbled through gritted teeth. John was swearing to himself, but Thomas didn't hear any movement to retaliate behind them, meaning he had gotten the message.

It was as they were getting in the car, the air of panic still hanging around Alexander that he looked over at Thomas and shakily smiled.

"I....I love you," he whispered.

"And I love you," he whispered back, leaning over the middle console to kiss his forehead.

Who knew it would take three years and breaking his fiance's ex's nose to hear those three words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: [the-gay-rosario](http://the-gay-rosario.tumblr.com)
> 
> PLEASE GIVE ME COMMENTS


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